I've been getting headaches every day now for the past couple months.
I can't stand it, because these are not normal headaches.
Sometimes it lasts for only a second and feels like somebody stabbed my head really quick with a needle. Other times it hurts at the base of my skull and it is very painful to breathe in. I keep thinking that I'm dying every time I get one of these pains.
I feel like these pains are probably from my wisdom teeth... I also think they are from stress. I'm sure it would have only been stress from work if I weren't such a hypochondriac... I literally think I'm about to kick the bucket every time I get these pains.
I know I'm repeating myself about 20 thousand times, but this fucking sucks...

And now I'm sick on top of the head pains....

I can't deal.

Can somebody stop this onslaught of snot coming out of my nose?
JEEEEEBUS
All I want to do is smoke a cigarette, but going out into the cold will make it worse... So will smoking.

Notable stuff:

• I've become addicted and recently slightly less addicted to Homestuck. Like, this shit is gold.
• I'm still a large walrus/whale/manatee hybrid.
• My wisdom teeth need to be extracted. I will make sure whoever picks me up when this happens gets a good video. I will also make sure I lose 20 pounds before that video actually happens.
• My new car needs to be repaired as much as my old car did. Bummer.
• I got a new pair of work pants that "really compliment my hips". That's cool.
• I'm soooo close to pulling out my sewing machine... SOOOO close.

Fuck it.

I'm going to smoke.

I need to go to bed.
One moment I'm trying to be fine and act normally...
The next moment, I'm a hysterical mess.

Eugh.

I hate today.
Everything about it.
I've fucked up all day. I'm fucking up right now.
I want to rip my skin open or bash my head agains the wall.
I know it wont make anything better, but I'm so fucking frustrated.
I can't do anything right.
Ever.
I'm a failure.

Uggghhh.
FUCK! I hate this!

I want to curl up and never leave the house.
I know that wont happen.
I never want to eat again.
That's basically a joke.
I can't even harm myself.
I won't ever do anything right.
All this pent up anger and stress just makes me do and say idiotic things.
Lock me away.
I'm selfish. I fucking want to ugh.. I don't know.

Title cannot be blank?

 Is your UGW in an “unhealthy“ range of BMI?

Nope.

It's barely close to being underweight.

I hopefully still wont hate myself physically.

Uh, yeah.

Anyways... This is happening. They finally got the new english dubbed Naruto Shippuden episodes online and I'm catching up.

This episode is ridonk. 

Talking ninja ostrich?

Shino shows emotion?

I don't know if it's because it's nearly 2am or this episode is whack, but I cannot keep up with it.

You know you need to go to bed when the internet is trying to convince you a dog's butt hole looks like jesus.

Done.

Right... So I guess I fail at this challenge.
Oh well, I'll keep going.

2.    Describe your dream/goal body.

I want my belly to be gone. I want my arms to be slim. I have never really been a fan of toned arms, but I'm afraid if I do nothing they will stay as blobs... 

I hate that my thighs touch. I'm pretty sure any dream I have of a thigh gap is just that a dream, though. I would at least like to have slimmer thighs if that is possible. 

The biggest thing is my belly and neck/gobbler area. If it weren't for these red areas, I probably wouldn't hate my physical self as much as I do.

I know the only way to make these issues disappear is to work on them, but I'm a quitter. 

I need somebody to push me.

Push meeee.

Okay... I'm going to try this 80 Day Challenge that I found on Tumblr.
I don't want to post it on my tumblr just because.... Honestly I don't know, because I'm pretty sure this blog is linked to my tumblr.
So... A question a day + maybe some thoughts afterwards will do.

1.    Write your current stats: height, current weight and goal weight. Why are you losing weight?

5'3"

CW 145

GW 108

The same reason as most others. I can't stand looking in the mirror. I hate seeing myself in other's pictures. I truly hate how hard it is to get dressed. Like... Nothing looks good on me anymore. I feel like all I should be allowed to wear is a potato sack. I'm hideous.

I want results.

I'm hoping this will help motivate me.

I will also say that I was bored tonight.
Was heading to Knick's house, but he ended up being tired.
I drove around for a bit, not wanting to go straight home....
Since its Memorial Day weekend... I knew dui checkpoints would be out.
I was determined to find one for some reason...

Whelp.
I found one.
Just wanted to see what he would say since I'm a hideous wreck and I'm fucking tired and could look like I'm under the influence.
Nothing.
I felt awesome...
Then extremely lame.

I can't believe I'm sharing this.
I can't believe I called my boyfriend to tell him about this.
UGH

I definitely need to remember I have a blog.
Must post more.

My nails look fucking awesome.

http://sallyhansen.com/products/nails/nail-color/gem-crush-nail-color

Muah muah 

lalalalalala

I can't figure out what I want to do tonight.
My plans don't entail anything extravagant or even exciting. Do I want to read? Do I want to Netflix my night away? Should I attempt to get into video gaming tonight?
Its up in the air.
I'm so over today.
Half tempted to just devour this gas station pizza, hate myself a little (of course), and then go to sleep before I can cry myself into what I would hope to be an eternal slumber.
I'm in such a mood that I don't feel like I could be happy anymore. I know I only feel this way because of my period, but holy shit... This needs to end.
I think I might read.

I love my MAC makeupz. I love the colors and I love the way my skin looks.
I remember the first time my mom took me into one of their stores. I was so confused and scared. The girl was testing out the makeup on me and I was nervous about my face being disgusting and broken out and greasy and slimey and just ugh.

She was all like, "Your skin is gorgeous!" and I was like "Yeucckk.. not." I mean I really didn't say anything, but just looked at her like she was crazy. I looked at my mom for reassurance about this crazy girl, like is she really gonna let this poor blind girl put makeup on my face? I don't know.

She put the makeup on my face and I felt all pretty and we bought it then left. After that experience, I felt like maybe I did have pretty skin. Maybe she was right? My self esteem had been shot down through the floor, into the basement, through the earth, and then smacked me in the face a couple years previous.  So, really, I needed that boost.

Now that I'm a tad bit older, and a regular customer. I realized that these girls have got to work on commission... And they probably have to tell you that you're really pretty and the makeup looks GREAT on you in order to make their sales.

Whelp. That just fucking sucks. I felt sooo good for sooo many years and then that finally dawned on me. I just went in yesterday and bought some foundation. My favorite girl was working and she let me try on some lip glass while she watched. She told me that it looked really pretty on me. NO it really really looked pretty on me. God, I wanted to laugh at her.

I'm so glad that I have a job that I don't have to push myself onto people. I really wish that the people would just stop calling, or we had some kind of forwarding to an answering machine service...

Again, I forgot where I was going with this post.

I'M TRYING HERE.

I'M

I swear, whenever I get to Katy's we end up hanging out, bullshitting, eating, more bullshitting, and more eating.... Then all of a sudden, one of us pulls out our laptops and start showing each other things we find funny.
Somehow, three hours of our night ends up being devoted to watching videos of road rage/car crashes over in Russia.
This is absolutely addicting and terrifying. How the hell can these people be allowed on their roads? I don't believe they know what a turn signal is. I also think that the break is located somewhere on the back of the drivers seat, just enough under the headrest that they cannot reach it. Holy shit these videos boggle my little brain.
I would be in a constant state of panic if I had to drive over there. Yeah. Fuck. That. Shit.

I DO find this video hilarious and awesome, however. I find both drivers to be assholes, but this is definitely good payback.

BTW
I know I'm large and loud and for some reason proud, but Katy says I look retarded.

I say I look comfy.
People at work keep commenting on what I've been wearing lately.
I'm wearing warm. Fuck style and keep with the comfort right now.

The end

The last two days have been absolutely mournful. I couldn't sit, lay down, laugh, eat, breathe... Even looking around was awful.
I think I'm finally getting over this. I just took some off-brand NyQuil and expect myself to be falling asleep very soon. Actually, I feel like I'm fighting it off right now.
Rosemary's Baby is playing. I'm only half watching. I need to rewind to about 15 minutes ago, but I don't think the medicine will allow me that time to watch it.
Actually.
I'm done.
G'night.

Uuughhh. 

My chest/shoulder/neck area hurt so much. It feels like that ice cream shell topping: stiff and cold. I feel lik all I need is a spoon, and someone can crack me open and make me feel better. 

Before I went to bed last night, my throat felt like it was swelling and then I had a horrible cough. It's gotten worse since I woke up. I've eaten nothing but soup and I can't take it anymore. 

I'm gettin' my mac'n'cheese on.

Reading Chamber of Secrets while Memento is playing inthe background. Drinking hot chocolate while trying to push bitter feelings towards myself out of my mind. Bitter feelings I like to blame the prologue to my lady parts' horrible journey through a red river of burning hot pain for doing. 

This is me tonight.

The last fuck that I gave of the day was probably around 7 hours ago.

Also, I'm a huge fan of runon sentences. Fuck off.